Today’s story comes fromCold Love Sharing Session-Issue 20. After reading it, do you have any different feelings or experiences? Please leave a message for discussion.
By cold love
Keywords: fear of marriage, but also hope to have
Q:Dear Lengda, sign up for your 20th sharing session, which happens to be my 31st birthday, and I want to take this sharing session to generate links with you.
I have been a British returnee for 7 years, and now I am working in Shanghai. My first relationship broke up in 5 years, and I have been single for 3 years.
Since the second year, I have tried blind date, and several men have a good impression on me, but they have not got to know each other further.
Perhaps it is because the age of 31 is the golden period of my career. My work has started to improve greatly this year, and now most of my life is devoted to my work.
I am not celibate, I hope to have a warm home, a caring husband and lovely children.
But my family of origin is not very happy, which has a certain influence on me, so that I have some fears about marriage and hope to have it.
Can you give me some advice? Whether you win my question or not, I am very grateful to you for providing a platform for three tickets.
I wish you peace and happiness every day.
The following is a dialogue between Leng Ai and the questioner:
“
Leng: The family of origin you are talking about is not very happy. What kind of state is it?
Xiao Gu: When I was 12 years old, my parents separated.
Their separation is not very smooth, that is, there are many family frictions, and my father has some emotions poured out on me.
When I was a little older, I was taken away by my mother, and I have been growing up with my mother. My father has not seen me for more than ten years.
Leng: Why do you think they are unhappy?
Gu: Because I think they quarrel a lot.
Leng: Is quarreling necessarily unhappy?
Gu: I feel this way, and I feel that it is not good to recall my childhood.
Leng: You think parents are unhappy together. Is this your opinion?
C: Maybe.
Leng: Is this your evaluation of their relationship?
Gu: I haven’t thought about this angle.
"
Cold love reply:
I am now helping you to enter a new angle.
You have always had a heavy burden because you think they are unhappy, or you think this is an unhappy family of origin.
This is your judgment on this matter.
It is you who carry such a judgment that there will be a heavy burden.
Because you think it’s unfortunate, you will be afraid of it.
However, if we look at it from another angle: are their departure and conflicts in the process of departure exactly the needs of their lives?
Perhaps at their level of life wisdom at that time, they could only do so.
Please believe that any parents have actually given their children what they can, and they have done their best at that time.
And you have resentment because you think they can’t give you something better, or you think they can’t give you a so-called happy family.
Therefore, you hold a grudge against them, so much so that you think it is a burden in your life.
However, everyone has no way to choose the family where he was born, and there is no way to decide what kind of life his parents want to live.
If we can admit it, our hearts will be relieved.
Only by not judging can we enter a brand-new life.
As the channel to lead us into this world, parents have given us the best gift, and the name of this gift is [life].
Today, 31 years ago, you came into this world through your parents. They have given you life as the best gift.
This is all they have and what they can give you.
As children, you may hate them, complain about them and be dissatisfied with them sometimes.
But what can they do at that moment?
If they can live a good life, why not?
It is precisely because of their limited ability that all they can do in that time and space background is like that.
That’s a story that has happened. It’s a movie that has been made. We can’t do anything about that movie except watch it.
Those of us who have seen this movie can only put it away, because there will be new plots in our lives.
As a child, when we understand all this, we can understand our parents.
We will no longer be afraid of the new movie plot, because we know that we are different from them today.
With such a developed social network, today you have the resources, abilities and even the ability to connect with people you want to connect with.
Your resources, abilities and wisdom are completely different from theirs.
So, you won’t repeat the same mistakes, you will create a brand-new plot of your own.
Connecting with you is also the best gift for your birthday. I hope you can find your own belonging and happiness in the future.
By this question, I want to give everyone another inspiration:
[family of origin] This topic has been very popular on the Chinese Internet in recent years, and several of my friends are studying it.
Personally, I think there are advantages and disadvantages in this topic.
The advantage of this topic is that it shows us where we come from;
The disadvantage of this topic is that because of the topic of [family of origin], people put all the responsibilities on their parents.
Therefore, I also want to make a discussion on this topic.
I want to believe that our life should live in this moment, in the present.
I think that the philosophy of life is based on understanding one’s own cause and effect, and "living in the present" is the way out.
Because parents and all the growth of family of origin are actually a ticket for us to come to this world.
However, this is only the first ticket.
And we choose to be ourselves, which is the second ticket for ourselves.
Our life should not live forever in the story of the first ticket, but should strive to create a second ticket and use it to enter our own life script.
If we don’t watch the next movie because we are afraid of the plot of the last movie, I think it is unfair to the next movie.
Because the director of each film is different.
The directors of [family of origin] are our parents, but the directors of [newly established family] are ourselves.
We have the ability, responsibility and obligation to make this film a brand-new story.
Otherwise, we will always just repeat the past.
Of course, we can study our own family of origin and know where we come from.
But our greatest attention should be to take responsibility for ourselves in this life and create our own unique plot.
Also, don’t bring the emotions and those problems in the last plot to your partner in the plot.
Because the partner, whether husband or wife, TA has no responsibility or obligation to face your past, and TA is innocent.
In other words, when we are willing to take responsibility for our own lives, we can let go of what happened in the last episode.
Because we know that we have to develop our own story responsibly.
Just like the heroine of this story, she is already in the best position.
Whether it’s the workplace, the city where I live, or starting all this by myself, I think it’s in a very good position.
She has the full responsibility and obligation to manage her own life, and does not let her innocent partner be troubled by the problems brought by her past.
This is the duty of each of us to live in the present.
When we fulfill this obligation, we will get an unprecedented right: to live the life we want without burden.
This is the meaning of the second ticket, and I really feel happy.
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